Being organized to the extent to which I am means I'm a natural planner. As per my last post, we're going out of town soon. And, before we go to NYC we will be in Atlanta for Christmas. I already have all our presents bought, most are wrapped, the only ones to be mailed have been mailed. I have all my pressing Atlanta appointments scheduled and confirmed. I've RSVP'd to all the events we'll be attending. I know when Sperry is getting groomed before we leave...
There's just so much to get done, thank goodness I'm naturally so organized, right?
However, last night I realized a major downside to being as organized as I am. Since it comes so natural to me, it was apparently easy for The Enemy to camouflage lies and fear into my organizational process with out my realizing it.
And last night, at about midnight, I broke into uncontrollable sobs. I could hardly breathe. I couldn't even open my eyes...
As I was falling asleep, a question had popped into my head... I think, it was actually a little bomb that Satan had placed inside my thoughts hoping it would explode.. And it almost did.
The question was, what's my plan if something happens to David? What's my plan if the worst should happen? If I lost my job, if David was hurt or (Heaven forbid) died? If we had young children when this horrible thing happened? What would I do? And, I started to organize it.. But I couldn't.
And then, every single one of my weaknesses came into the forefront of my mind convincing me that I wouldn't be able to figure it out now, or if this terrible circumstance occurred, then. And, what was even more paralyzing was the reality of it. It happens. Young women with children do loose their jobs and their husbands. I've seen it.
So, there I am. Sobbing, gripped with fear and anxiety.
I think it's absolutely amazing how the Lord can speak to you through your spouse.
And, in the midst of David speaking truth to me last night as I cried, God reminded me that I have never had control over anything that has happened to me. I've never even had control over the good things! They were not a result of my gifts or efforts. They were fully encompassed by God's hands.
I immediately went back, just for a second, to Kenya. That moment in the van when I thought it was all over. That moment when I realized I was about to leave this Earth and go to Heaven. I had no control there. Absolutely no control. But, God delivered me and my team. He already figured it out... How and why we were going to be released by our carjackers. It wasn't up to me to go through that process, then in that moment, all that was up to me was to trust in the sovereignty of my Lord, even when the outcome was bleak.
I've had a couple girlfriends recently miscarry pregnancies, and the verse that's come to my head over and over again when I think about them is Job 1:21. "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return there. The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; Blessed be the name of the Lord."
And, David, unknowing that I had been clinging to the hope in this verse as my friends have gone through these hardships, last night reminded me of Job. God took everything away from him, and even then Job still trusted in God. And, furthermore, he was blessed for it. So, David's reminder was, "Lindsay, you will always trust that God will take care of you. You always have. And He always will. And you know that He will exceed your expectations. All you will be able to say is, 'Wow, God did this.'"
I guess Satan forgot, my husband is a warrior in the Lord's army. Those kinds of bombs don't really phase him.. He's like a bomb tech. : )
So, I share this tender moment with you in hopes that it will be encouraging. In case, you too have a tendency to try to figure things out on your own.
Even though my hope was already in Christ, a little question was quickly consuming me as I tried to control the answer. I need to remember to go first to God with even the little questions and not let Satan use one of my gifts against me.