So much has changed and happened since then. While I'm in familiar territory when it comes to the taking care of an infant thing, the rest of it seems incredibly uncharted, even though I'm 5 months into being the mother of 2, 2 years into being a mom, and almost 7 years into being a wife.
Confession: Most days I feel defeated. I don't feel defeated all day long. But, at some point during the day, I do feel that way.
I'm overwhelmed by this season. As sweet as it is. As much as I don't want it to end. It sounds like an oxymoron, I know. And, that's one of the reasons why I think it's so hard to navigate.
How is it possible to rise to the calling before me? Shoot- it's not even before me. It's on top of me, under me, pulling my hair, in my arms, 100% enveloping me 24/7 whether it's a tiny person or a mounting to-do list of tasks.
I mess up every day. Every day I have to apologize to someone. I am constantly falling short.
Why do I keep messing up? Why can't I figure this out? Why am I not capable enough?
Thankfully when the word "enough" enters my thoughts it's a trigger word for me to say, "That's enough, Enemy. Get behind me, Satan. And out of my brain and out of my house. Go, in the name of Jesus Christ."
If you don't know what triggers are, in the simplest way I can describe them, a trigger evokes the same response every time. You engage the trigger, BLANK always happens.
Well, I need triggers to remind me of my reality. Often it feels as though my reality is burp cloths and spit up and temper tantrums and clothes that don't fit and upset tummies and so on. This is part of my reality. Yes.
But, the other reality I need to be reminded of is that Satan doesn't want me raising kingdom builders.
Satan wants me to focus on my physical reality and dwell on my short-comings. Satan wants for me to believe the calling I'm desperately seeking to fulfill is impossible.
Triggers used to be something I had to avoid because they'd set my PTSD off. (Another story for another time.)
Now, I find myself needing to surround myself with them. I need triggers to remind me to look to Jesus first when I feel defeated. First when my heart is heavy. First when I have no idea what to do.
This morning both of my children were lying on our bed crying as I wiped noses and zipped up shoes and asked, out loud, "Why are you crying??" If I hadn't been committed to rocking babies while the leaders met for pre-class prayer before BSF started, I would have honestly thrown my hands up and said, "Forget it. We're just staying home."
And Satan would have won that battle.
But, thankfully, because I remembered I had made a commitment that commitment triggered me to remember my commitment to my kids to shepherd them and surround them with the teachings of Jesus.
So, I'm not keeping them at home and therefore not taking them to a morning of age-speficic Bible teaching because I feel overwhelmed.
Triggers to defeat the feeling of being defeated.
Triggers to encourage my spirit when my body is sore from lifting and carrying and holding little bodies all day and all night.
Triggers to remind me to stop and breathe and sometimes walk away and count to 10 and pray before I speak or act.
Triggers to remind me of my reality - that I live in a battle zone. Not a house full of toys and stuffed animals and diapers and dog hair, but a war college whose students begin as newborns.
I am raising kingdom builders. Why would I ever expect for Satan to let that go unnoticed? Why would I expect him to leave me alone while I do this great and hard work?
For 10 years I avoided certain triggers because I knew that every time a trigger presented itself, I would experience a very unpleasant emotional response.
10 years of bondage to the avoidance of triggers.
I got very good at avoiding triggers.
But something Satan meant for evil, is now being used for good.
Now triggers are a battle strategy instead of shackles.
So, you can take that one back to Hell with you Satan.
And yes, mamas who feel like you are drowning in whatever season of motherhood it is that you find yourself in - or non-mamas who still feel like you are drowning - you are allowed to talk to him like that. Claim victory in this battle over that Enemy - after all, Jesus already has.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done."
- Genesis 50:20