Dependence

This morning I walked into Kohl's with nothing but an umbrella and my purse, and it felt so strange. No baby, no stroller, no baby carrier, no diaper bag. I felt so incomplete. Thankfully, I knew Avery was perfectly safe and warm and cozy at home with David, away from the rain and the wind I was traversing through to run errands. 

She is such an extension of me right now- so still fully dependent on my care (especially since she isn't taking a bottle). And I love it. I love that intimacy. It convicts my spirit as I realize this is the same intimacy God desires with us - 100% dependency on Him. "Cry out to Him," has taken on a whole new meaning. When my daughter "cries out," I run to her, I pick her up and hold her against me and repeat over and over again, "It's ok. I'm here. Mommy's here. I've got you."

Is that not God's heart for his children as well? So much so that He gave His only child as a sacrifice so there would be no separation between Him and me? So that when I cry out, He can see me? He can say to me, "I'm here. I've got you." 

I get it in a whole new way. In the quiet of the night, when it's just me and Avery nursing at 2am, I get to sit and rock and meditate on things like this. It's the only time when I feel like I really have time to process all of the feelings and thoughts I have these days. 

We know about all of the wonderful things breastfeeding does for baby and mom, short and long term, but one thing that you won't find on any list of "pros to breastfeeding" is that it forces a busy-natured woman like me to sit and be still with my baby. It forces us to work together. Avery doesn't latch well if there's a lot of noise around, or if I'm stressed. She nurses best when it's quiet, and I'm relaxed. Thus far, some of the sweetest moments I've had with Avery are at 2am when she's in my arms before she latches. 

1 Corinthians 3 randomly kept popping up in front of me this past week. And, as I read it each time, I was reminded of God's perfect design and His heart for Avery. The first few verses that refer to breastmilk aren't about God's timing, but the Lord used them to remind me of the gift I have been given in getting to breastfeed my baby, to stay home with her, and to be the one that runs to her each time she cries. God's desire is that there will come a day when she won't depend on me 100%. God's heart for Avery is that she would come to depend on Him 100%. 

So, during the 2am feedings, that is one of the many prayers I speak over our little one while remembering He desires that same level of intimacy with me as well. 

As much as I like to think I can do it all on my own, I learned really quickly after we came home from the hospital that I couldn't. And as much as I wanted David to be able to meet every need of mine so I could meet every need of her's, that's not God's design either. 

It's amazing how something so small can teach you so much in just 7 short weeks.